


I Stay Wrecked

by creampuffer



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-29
Updated: 2011-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-17 13:16:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/177213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creampuffer/pseuds/creampuffer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris is hopelessly in love with Zach, who is currently dating Jonathan Groff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Stay Wrecked

Chris didn’t even really know why he’d kept his mouth shut all this time. Not really.

Well, that was a lie. He did know why. He just didn’t know the _why_ of the why. If that even made sense. Which it didn’t. Because nothing about Chris’ brain, his feelings and motives, was making any sense. Not anymore.

All he knew was that he loved a man he could never hope to have. That he had kept his mouth shut, never confessed his feelings, because he was caught up in a lie. It was the lie of his life, having turned into something else ever since his big break with _Trek_. He had been thrust into the lime light, without much of a warning. And now that he was firmly rooted in his celebrity status, it seemed as though he had to live up to certain expectations.

He could never resent the fact that he got the part of James Kirk. Because that would be fucking ungrateful. He’d enjoyed filming. Enjoyed the friends he’d made. And the fact that it had caused Chris to grow closer to him. And _Trek_ had opened up doors to all new possibilities.

But he hated, absolutely loathed, everything that came with being a famous actor. Somehow, for some reason, there were people out there that genuinely thought that because he was well known, they deserved, nay had the _right_ to know as much about him as possible. Even if that meant being practically fucking stalked by men and women with cameras, recorders, and pens and papers to capture every minute detail of his life.

Was it too much to ask to be able to get a fucking cup of coffee in the morning without worrying if he was being followed? Or to take advantage of a sunny morning, relaxing on his balcony while reading a newspaper? To be able to do that without seeing the wink of a light, flash of the sun catching on the lens of a camera from some asshole crouching in his fucking bushes?

He felt a stifling inevitability in his career. That he would forever be cast as the “leading man.” It wasn’t a bad thing. In theory. He would be ensured the types of movies that became box office hits, or at least gained quite the media following.

But it also meant the freedom to branch out, take those daring, risque roles, was out of the question. His PR people would want to keep him in the nice little niche that had been slowly carved out ever since he began doing stupid rom-coms.

The worst though, was feeling as though his life was being dictated for him. He was constantly hounded for what he wore, what he ate, the things he said. And most importantly who he dated. He’d promised himself that if he ever became “big,” he’d stay true to himself. But it was so hard to stand up for himself when the people who supposedly had his best interest in mind kept telling him what a bad idea _such and such_ was. He’d lost sight of himself, was starting to forget who he was before this all started. Who was Chris Pine anyway?

He had the answer; knew it buried deep inside himself. Chris Pine was a loser. A fake. A phony and a coward. He was hopelessly in love with a taken man. And couldn’t do anything about it, _didn’t_ do anything about it. Because he’d let Hollywood suck out his soul and leave behind a shell of what he really was. A man incapable of truly expressing himself for fear of being _found out_ and blacklisted.

\--

News had begun infiltrating even Chris’ normally gossip free life. It was hard to avoid when he was so attuned to the name _Zachary Quinto_ ; ears practically perking up in the literal sense whenever he heard any news about the man. So when he began reading shit online about him being in a relationship with one Jonathan Groff, well, Chris thought maybe it was just a bunch of hearsay. And that he still had a chance to make up for his gross error of silence and make Zach understand that what he needed was Chris to make him happy. Not...someone else.

He could do this, be strong enough to shrug off the Hollywood persona that had settled around his shoulders. He would, if only given the chance.

But there were more sightings. And pictures. And eventually Chris couldn’t take it anymore. He called Zach to just fucking ask already. Naturally, Zach didn’t answer. So Chris was left to stumble through a message he had no idea what to say.

“Hey Zach, know it’s been awhile.” Wasn’t that an understatement? They hardly ever talked, which was both their faults...but still. “And I was just, uh, wondering how you were doing? Yeah, because I mean I hear about you through the grapevine every once in awhile and, um, you doing good? Seeing someone?” Chris pulled the phone away from his ear and mouthed a _what the fuck, Pine_ to himself. “Anyway, call me, if you want. And I’ll talk to you later...or not.”

Chris hung up the phone and threw it at the wall, satisfied at the crunch it made. Of course after he went to retrieve it and realized he’d have to buy a new phone the satisfaction turned to regret. He was such a dumb fuck. What if Zach called and Chris couldn’t answer because he no longer owned a working phone because he’d thrown it in a fit of rage like a three year old throws a tantrum?

He really needed to take a step back and just breathe.

The only thing was, breathing was too hard when his chest tightened up any time he thought about Zach. Of those perfect cupid bow lips pressing against someone else’s. Or elegant, yet perfectly masculine, hands running up and down cool flesh, only to be heated by the warmth only he seemed to emit. Naked bodies pressing together, joining together, coming together.

Chris shut his eyes tight and willed himself to stop mentally abusing himself. It was a hard thing, not hurting himself over what Zach could be, and probably was, doing right this very moment. Because Chris felt like he deserved the pain. Not the pain of a broken heart, because he hadn’t even had the guts to take a chance and allow it to be broken. It was the pain of nothing. _Nothing_. Because that’s what he had done. And he should suffer his choices, the empty, hollow ache of a love not realized.

\--

One stop for a new cell phone later, Chris was charging his battery and praying there was a message waiting for him. Somehow, life deemed him worthy of a response, and the screen registered one new voicemail.

_“Chris! Man, I’ve missed you!”_

And Chris could not tell how such simple words could make him so goddamn happy.

 _“It’s been too long. But I’ve got great news. I’m -”_ there was an odd sound interrupting Zach’s words, _“I mean, we’re gonna be in LA next week.”_  
  
We? Who was we?

_“Jon and I.”_

Just like that, Chris’ happy demeanor fled.

_“I’m sure you’ve heard by now. We’re dating.”_

The urge to throw his new phone was hard to repress. So was the urge to curl up and die. Possibly over dramatic. But Chris had been holding out hope that Zach wasn’t dating the angel faced enemy.

He shouldn’t hate Groff, Chris thought as he erased the haunting message - _no need to keep that for later. He never wanted to hear it again._ It wasn’t Groff’s fault that Chris had blown his chance. And really, Chris wanted to be mature about the whole situation. Especially considering no one knew about his true feelings and they’d be very confused by his sudden irrational dislike of someone he’d never even met before. But Chris was failing at the whole maturity thing. Spectacularly. In every ill wished demise of the younger man.

Was it wrong to hope for something to come between the two men? To leave room for Chris to swoop in and steal Zach away?

Yes?

Maybe?

Chris didn’t care.

\--

“How you holding up kid?”

It was a strange sort of comfort to hear Joe’s voice on the other end of the line. Through Zach, and later filming, they’d become solid friends; not just acquaintances through their shared connection. And it still baffled Chris that Joe had somehow wrestled out, then kept quiet, the knowledge of Chris’ feelings. He was the one lone soul that could help share the burden of Chris’ thoughts and feelings. At least, somewhat.

“Fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine?” If he spoke a bit hastily, it was only because he was busy. He had...a lot of other things to. That didn’t involve any kind of discussion over someone name Zachary Quinto.

“C’mon man.” And the way Joe said it, so sympathetic and condoling, it fucking undid Chris.

“...I’m trying real hard not to think about it.”

“And how’s that working for you?”

He wanted to curse and laugh. Joe always called him on his bullshit. “Not so hot.” Chris didn’t want to ask, but he couldn’t help it, hearing the drawn out silence from Joe. “Is it serious?”

“Chris -”

“Please, Joe. Is it?”

Silence again.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.”

It wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Because _I don’t know_ and _maybe_ really meant _yes but I’m too worried about the emotional backlash of admitting the truth to you_. But he kind of knew, deep down, that just because his life was what it was, the answer couldn’t be anything but that.

“Right. Of course. God I’m such an idiot.”

“Chris -” Now Joe’s tone was more pleading, worried even.

“Listen, I really need to get going. You know, things to do, people to see.”

Chris heard a rather loud sigh before Joe responded with, “okay, I get it. But call me if you need anything, okay?”

Yeah, okay. Chris was pretty sure he wasn’t going to do that.

\--

He called Zach back a day later, not wanting to come across as pathetic and over anxious. Simply hearing the older man’s voice made the familiar fluttering feeling inside his stomach flare anew. So even though Zach might not find him pathetic, Chris certainly did.

“Zach.”

“Hey Chris, you excited to see me again?”

More than he knew. “Definitely.”

“Great. I know Jon is really excited to meet you.”

Chris heard and sensed a weird vibe from Zach.

“Yeah? Why?”

“Because, man.” There was an awkward pause. You’re one of my best friends.”

Sad that that line should make Chris hurt so much.

“Dinner at my place. Does Friday, around six, work for you? And afterwards we can just kinda hang out and get to know each other better. Sound good?”

Hanging out with Zach? Always. But having Groff there to taint the scene? Not so much. “Yeah. I’ll see you Friday.”

\--

It was with some anxiety...or more like pure, blinding, skull numbing fear...that Chris pressed the doorbell outside Zach’s door. He heard the _snick_ of the door opening, revealing to his sight Zach and...Groff. Wonderful. Even though he had been expecting both to be present for dinner he’d secretly been hoping more that Zach would want the evening to be just the two of them catching up.

Stupid of him to wish for something completely unlikely..

“Zach.” There was definitely affection leaking into the name, despite Chris trying to hide it. He hoped no one else picked up on it. Especially Groff.

“Hey, Christopher!” Two arms darted out and wrapped around him before he could make sense of what was going on. And before he could think through his own actions, he was gripping tightly to Zach’s back, holding him against him just a touch too long.

A very pointed cough broke Chris out of his Zach induced haze.

“Hello, I’m Jon.” He stuck out a hand and waited for Chris.

Chris could only stare, transfixed at the hand that was allowed to stroke, push inside and thrust, feel warm come between fingers...and do something as simple as rest comfortably in the sure grip of Zach’s hand.

“Chris?” Zach’s voice was edged with concern and _hurt_ as Groff was no doubt offended out of his pretty little head.

“Sorry, sorry.” He reached out and shook the proffered hand _maybe too hard_ and smiled _not grimaced_ at Groff. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” Which was a total fucking lie, but like that really mattered. He’d been lying to himself for so long now. What did it matter if he did so with others?

“For sure. I’ve heard a lot of stories about you.”

“Oh?” And Chris’ imagination ran away with itself over Zach singing his praises.

Only, if Zach was singing his praises, then why was he with someone else?

A smile was the only answer he got out of Groff. And as they made their way inside ,Zach leading them both towards the living room, no one was subjected to the dejection written clear as day across his face.

\--

“So then, I go to hit him, right? Only we’re both so tired and out of it, I actually hit him. And he goes flying across the set.” Zach giggled as he put the joint up to his mouth and inhaled.

Chris wasn’t sure how things ended up like this. But after dinner they all sat down for drinks and talking and...he’s pretty sure it was Groff that pulled out the baggie. Maybe he’d brought it as a means of relaxing them into a more comfortable relationship. Or maybe Groff was just a fucking loser stoner that didn’t deserve Zach’s company. Maybe it was a little of column A and B.

But it wasn’t working, strictly speaking. Chris was really fucking high. But he was also really fucking paranoid he was going to let something slip, something incriminating, and then Zach and his boy toy would be on to his true feelings and kick Chris’ pathetic ass out. And no matter how gut wrenching it was to see the two of them sitting so close, hands casually touching, he’d rather see Zach like this than not at all.

Wasn’t that pathetic.

“Why do you love telling that story so much?” Chris chuckled, reluctantly feeling the effects of alcohol, marijuana and Zach, a whole different type of high for Chris all together, stir together until coherent thought was all but a distant memory.

“It’s not every day one gets to beat up on _the_ Chris Pine.” Zach leaned away from Groff to wrap his arm around Chris’ shoulders.

Which was probably why he was close enough to hear Chris whisper, “you could beat me any time you want.”

“Huh?” Zach pulled his arm away as though he had been burned.

“What?” Groff decided to lean in to where the action was, effectively pushing Zach back towards Chris.

And Chris couldn’t stand to see Zach’s eyes, wide and shocked and no doubt disgusted by the ill advised, substance abuse inhibited comment.

“Excuse me.” He bolted up and away, scurrying to the bathroom.

Eying himself in the mirror, he couldn’t deny how absolutely terrified he looked. Zach’s eyes weren’t the only ones bugging out. But Chris wasn’t just terrified of what he said. He was also defeated. He felt a sense of eventuality. Doomed to want but never to have. He was too pale, except for the feverish color smudged high on his cheeks. And his lips were pulled in a perpetual frown not even being wasted could take away. He hated being that guy, the one that was all morose and shit when drinking and smoking with friends. But look what being in love was doing to him...

Splashing water on his face did nothing to help calm his nerves about going back out there. Sneaking out the bathroom sounded really great. It was too bad he’d never fit through the window so that wasn’t really an option. If only he could find a way to gracefully bow out of the rest of the evening, save Chris the added discomfort of awkward avoidance of the big fat elephant in the room. The one called _I just admitted I’d like Zach to beat me off in front of him and his boyfriend, please kill me now._  
  
What he saw when he walked back into the living room was most definitely not what he expected. Zach and Groff were kissing. And not just polite, peck on the cheeks or lips as a show of affection. It was a full on kiss bordering on fucking each others mouths with tongues. Kissing as if there wasn’t a third wheel in their company who could possibly interrupt them getting naked and fucking on the microsuede couch. _Oh God I will never be able to sit on that couch again._

He stood there helplessly watching, eyes riveted to the sight of lips mashing and tongues licking...not to mention hands groping. It was sick to be turned on, only because he was imagining Zach doing that to him. But, his arousal was evident, and rather prominent, in the jeans he wore...the ones Zach had complimented him on the last time they’d hung out.

Groff broke the kiss and pressed his lips to Zach’s ears.

“God, Jon, yeah. Want that.”

Holy shit, had they forgotten where they were? Did they not fucking care that Chris was right fucking there and had to suffer the consequences of their impromptu smash session?

And how was Groff reducing Zach to this panting, begging...slut?

Chris was so jealous.

“You just gonna stand there, or are you gonna join the party?” Groff’s words jerked Chris out of the jealousy worming its way through Chris’ mind, digging and eating away at his rationality.

“Um.”

His feet seemed to carry him back to the couch without his mind consciously directing the path. Hadn’t he just told himself how much he didn’t want to be here? Stuck with Zach and Groff like some type of masochistic voyeur?

“Why don’t you sit down, Chris?” Groff patted the cushion next to him.

And though Chris didn’t want to sit next to the man who held his crush’s heart, Chris moved as if by command. The tingling, tightening sensation in his chest made him fear and anticipate what would happen. When Groff’s hand began to slowly stroke Chris’ thigh, he held his breath and wondered if he’d breathe easy at all for the rest of the night.

“You know,” Groff kept a possessive hand curled around the back of Zach’s neck, “I’ve always found you really attractive.”

“Um.”

Groff held the joint out to Chris. “Want?”

“Thanks.” He took a hit, held it a bit too long and coughed. “And, uh, thanks. I mean, you’re not so bad yourself.”

The boy smiled back at him. “And I know Zach feels the same way, isn’t that right?” Groff pulled at Zach’s neck, bringing them close enough to kiss again. Chris stared dumbly at Zach’s flushed cheeks and wide eyes.

“Yeah,” he coughed as they pulled apart. “I think you’re really hot, Chris.”

“Yeah?” He hadn’t meant to sound so on edge, as if Zach’s answer was vital to his well being. But the alcohol, weed and ever intoxicating presence of Zach laid him out bare.

Zach nodded. “You’re gorgeous, Chris. So fucking sexy.” The words were positive. But not the tone, exactly. As if Zach didn’t quite want to say the words. As if they left a bad taste in his mouth.

A small, tiny, minuscule portion of Chris’ brain was putting out the red alert. Danger, danger Will Robinson. Because while Chris could tell Zach was being sincere, he couldn’t tell if Zach actually liked sharing his opinion. And that probably didn’t bode well. But the other larger parts of his brain - the ones focused on _Zach_ and _sex_ \- beat the small part into submission.

So Chris was nothing but pleased, too excited for - what, he didn’t know. But believing it could be something mind blowing judging how Groff was directing things.

“Have you ever...” Groff was leaning too close in Chris’ personal space.

But he was so fucked up now. And it had been so long and yeah Groff was attractive - Zach wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t - and the attention was not going unnoticed by the portion of Chris’ brain being controlled by the twitching cock coming to life in his pants.

Chris moved in closer, licked his lips and looked straight at a frowning Zach when he answered, “yeah I have.”

“Top or bottom?” Zach managed to blurt out the question while still sounding unconcerned.

“Bottom.” His eyes hadn’t left Zach, not for a second. So he saw it when the calm facade was disturbed by a small tremor that seemed to run through Zach’s entire body; stopping at lips that trembled. Just a bit.

“Mmm, ass like that,” Groff was inches from Chris’ mouth. “I can see why.”

When Chris sucked in a quick breath, he could practically taste Groff. The alcohol and weed slightly bitter on his breath but still somehow the more intoxicating for it.

“Jon, maybe -”

“Baby,” Groff didn’t bother backing away from Chris as he addressed Zach. Chris felt his lower stomach clench with apprehension and anticipation. “You said you wanted this.”

_This? What’s this? What does Zach want?_

He was pretty sure he hadn’t said the words aloud. But Groff still looked him dead in the eyes as he responded. As if he knew exactly what Chris had been thinking.

“We want you. Kiss me.”

There was a moment in Chris’ addled brain that, while probably only lasting a few seconds in real life, seemed to drag on for an eternity. A moment where he tried to process what the fuck was going on. The possible intent and outcome of Zach’s boyfriend asking to kiss Chris. If this was seriously something Chris should get mixed up in. If he could take this small portion of Zach being offered, in whatever way possible, to him. It couldn’t be enough, only a tease really, and Chris was so very weak. But he was also selfish. He could never hope to say no to anything like this if it meant having Zach in some small way. Consequences were not something he wanted to think of. They’d only stop him.

Chris was so weak.

“Okay.” It was a whisper, ghosting along Groff’s lips, a hesitation before pressing to soft skin, and a plea that he would survive this.

His mind blanked for the kiss, even as his body responded. Breathing labored and heart racing, Chris’ arousal was a sinking stone, plummeting through murky waters and drowning in pleasure he didn’t truly want.

When Groff pulled back, eyes glassy and lips shiny and swollen, Chris had to shut his eyes tight. It wasn’t Groff he wanted.

“Now Zach.”

As Groff sat back so the two of them could lean forward in front of him, Chris saw wary eyes and furrowed brows; a tentative arm reaching out.

But fuck. that.

Zach didn’t do tentative. When Zach wanted something he dived in. Not impulsive. Just resolved. And Chris wanted this, their first kiss, to be that - something Zach wanted. No hesitation. No doubts.

Chris rushed at Zach, determined and excited. He crashed against Zach’s lips, tasting as much as he could, wanting to inhale all of the man currently sucking on his tongue. Wanting to grab hold, further than the fingers sinking into soft, dark hair. Bury himself under Zach’s skin and never let go.

Hadn’t he dreamt of this for months? Years? And now it was coming true. Heart stopping, mind blowing, never ever stop it’s too good truth being licked into his mouth.

“Fuck, that’s hot.”

Chris spared a second to notice Groff rubbing at the bulge in his jeans and just like that, the illusion - that Zach was Chris’ - shattered.

They broke the kiss, Chris’ lips still searching out Zach’s, and the look in Zach’s eyes was feral.

“What next?” Zach asked Groff, desperate and hushed.

“Take off his clothes.” The wicked gleam in Groff’s eyes made Chris uneasy.

But Zach’s hands were at the hem of Chris’ shirt, slowly tugging upwards and he stopped analyzing Groff’s motives.

Long, beautiful, expert fingers separated clothing from his body, lingering on an arm, dragging across his chest, digging into hips and Chris found breathing too hard. A thing of the past. His lungs deserted him the moment Zach placed his lips against Chris’, stealing the breath and rendering them useless anyway.

When the only thing left on Chris were the boxers, tented obscenely, Zach pulled away. As if to admire his handiwork.

“I didn’t say stop.” Groff’s voice was gruff and too loud in the charged silence.

A blush rose up on Zach’s cheeks, even as he shot a coy smile at Chris.

If he hadn’t lost the ability to breathe before, it surely would be gone now. Because Zach’s fingers dipped into the waist of Chris’ boxers, brushing thin skin and running through the trail of hair that went lower...lower like Zach’s fingers were now traveling.

“I didn’t say to touch him. Just strip him.”

Zach bit his lips and Chris did not miss the flash of anger in his normally gentle eyes. Who was Groff that he could control the situation so well? Fuck him, he needed to leave. Let Chris take over. Or Zach. Either way worked.  
 _  
Oh fuck._

The slow slide of underwear along his hips pulled Chris out of his cursing, made him tense up. The catch of elastic on his cock was almost too much. A tease, a torment, until Zach got him freed of the fabric and Chris was just, simply there. Naked. To be appraised by the other two men.

“Holy shit.”

“Oh my God.”

Under normal circumstances, Chris would’ve been flattered out of his mind at the praise. But tonight he was too busy being worried.

He thought he heard a _wouldn’t mind bottoming for him_ from Groff before the kid said, “What a lucky boy you are, Zach.”

Which confused Chris. Because hadn’t he said he usually bottomed?

“Now Zach, it’s your turn.”

Chris wanted to be jealous at not being able to strip Zach. But he was also glad at being able to sit back and stare at every newly exposed inch of Zach’s skin. Plus he wasn’t sure he could control himself if he got to put his hands all over the man.

He decided to be content with getting his fill of naked Zach; pale skin, lean, firm muscles. Dark hair spreading across his chest, arms, legs and...Fuck. Chris looked down and realized Zach was well groomed and trimmed, making his curved cock look even more gorgeous and inviting.

Chris’ hand moved of its own accord, stroking himself slowly, spreading the precome already beading at the tip all along his shaft.

“Not yet.”

He was surprised that Groff was already naked too. When had that happened?

He didn’t take much time to linger on Groff’s body, which was moving away from the couch and down the hallway to - _oh please not Zach’s, dont’ think I can take being in Zach’s room_ \- the guest room. Zach got up and tried to catch up to Groff. Tried, but failed, as he kept pausing to turn and admire Chris’ body.

And Chris trailed behind, knowing as soon as he stepped through that door, there was no turning back.

\--

“On your knees, Baby.” Groff was sitting on the bed, looking expectantly at a quickly obedient Zach. “Chris, get that fine ass over here.”

Zach on his knees, with Chris in front of him, had to be one of the single most erotic images. And it had starred in so many of Chris’ fantasies he’d lost count. But the moment was dimmed by Groff beside him.

“Suck us.”

Chris was speechless at the sight of Zach, eyes fluttering shut as he gripped two cocks in his hands and brought them to his mouth.

His tongue darted out to lick his lips, following the movement of Zach’s. Only Zach was tracing the head of Chris’ cock. Then Groff’s. Then Chris’ again.

“Fuck, Zach. Don’t tease.” He was surprised to realize the words were his, not Groff’s.

And even more shocked at Zach’s smirk...before unceremoniously swallowing down Chris.

His hips thrust out, wanting to bury himself deeper in the wet heat and suction of Zach’s mouth. And the moans he kept letting out seemed too much, too soon. They’d just started and Chris felt ready to jump off the ledge, the tightening in his belly and balls becoming unbearable.

Zach must’ve sensed it, pulling off Chris with a wet pop, trail of spit hanging from tip to lip - _Jesus, so hot_ \- and moving to Groff.

His hand stayed on Chris, stroking the shaft with a tight fist made smoother by precome and spit.

Chris grabbed onto Zach’s shoulder with his left hand, needing to brace himself before he buckled at the knees. He moved with Zach, urging the fingers to grip tighter, move faster. But before he could verbalize the request, Zach was suddenly being pushed away.

Groff’s commanding, “Bed,” rang in Chris’ ears.

He watched as Groff maneuvered Zach into position, hands and knees with his ass sticking out tantalizingly. And Chris again was struck with the desire to bury himself balls deep. Yet also wondering, staring at Zach’s bobbing dick, if he’d be lucky enough to be filled up by the man. To feel how good it was to be topped by Zachary Quinto.

“Chris,” Groff was lazily slapping his cock against Zach’s cheeks, lips, “I want you to fuck Zach open with your fingers.” Groff parted Zach’s swollen lips with the head of his cock and let out a soft ahhh.

The grumble sounded frustrated, almost angry. It was hard to distinguish behind a mouthful of dick, but it sounded like Zach was complaining.

But what about? Bottoming? Or having Chris’ fingers in his ass?

“Now, now, Baby. Don’t be that way. Part of the deal, remember?”

Chris decided to ignore a statement that made no sense to him in favor of finding the lube on the bedside table. He slicked it between his fingers, letting it warm and traced one finger up and down the crack of Zach’s ass. He slowly moved the finger in, until he felt the pucker of Zach’s hole. His finger glided around the entrance, pushing in teasingly slow.

Groff spoke as if he wasn’t watching his boyfriend get finger fucked by another man. “You get Chris and I...”

Chris moaned at the words.

“...and I get to stuff you so full of cock you’ll think you’re being split in two.”

The shock of the words had Chris jerking his hand, until his finger slid in past the first knuckle. He paused, not wanting to hurt Zach. And wanting to take in the fact that he was actually doing this. With Zach. Whom he’d wanted for so long.

A wiggle of Zach’s ass encouraged him to move, add a second finger.

Groff laughed. “For such a demanding top, you sure are begging for it like a dirty slut.”

Zach growled around the cock in his mouth.

“Give him more, Pine.”

And by then, Chris had three fingers inside Zach, thrusting hard and fast. He could tell Zach enjoyed it. By the long throaty sounds chocked off by Groff’s dick. And the way he kept pushing back on Chris’ fingers.

“Good. Good, Pine. Give him more. Stretch him wide open. He’s gonna need it.”

Confusion again. But Chris contented himself with bunching his fingers together, slipping his pinkie alongside, and feeling Zach clench around him. God, he wanted to rip his fingers out, replace it with his cock and -

“Can I?” He knew Groff would interpret correctly.

“No.” Chris knew he was scowling. “Not yet. Now move.”

He was reluctant to leave the heat of Zach’s body, afraid he’d never get the chance to take him. That Groff was an asshole dangling a carrot in front of Chris this whole time.

“Sit there.” He pointed at the headboard and Chris moved, stretching out so that he could be closer to Zach. “I want you to watch while I fuck him.”

He sat and waited. But nothing happened. By the smile on Groff’s face, he was doing it on purpose, keeping Zach on edge, wondering when he’d plunge inside.

“Beg me.” The whisper was dark and the smile only grew on Groff’s face.

Chris was dumbfounded. He didn’t understand how Groff could sit there and make Zach beg, when Zach was already so willing, so ready. If Chris were with him, Zach would never need to beg for it. Chris would always give it. In a heartbeat.

“Please.” There wasn’t much heat behind the word.

“You can do better than that.” Chris heard a smack of skin on skin. “Now. Beg me, Zach.”

Groff did something to Zach’s body then, something to make Zach buck and whine, “Please!”

“That’s more like it.”

Chris watched, transfixed and jealous, as Zach’s sleepy eyes widened at the press of Groff’s head at his entrance. He rocked forward once, then stilled, and his eyes and jaw relaxed as Groff stopped to wait for the burn of the stretch to turn into pleasure.

Envy coursed through Chris at Groff’s possessive hands, curled around Zach’s hips and digging in bruises. He wanted to be the one inside Zach’s body, leaving tangible evidence of what pleasure he could bring Zach. Chris was so filled with the need to give Zach something, anything good to compete with Groff’s fucking, that he slid down on the bed until he could reach out and touch the taut, sweat glistened body.

Groff’s eyes were closed so Chris took the opportunity to indulge his desire, putting off his own need in favor of Zach’s. he started at the well defined cheekbones, stroking fingers along smooth skin and stubbled hair. The contrast was alluring and he lingered there, even as Zach turned his head to try and catch one of Chris’ fingers.

He let Zach capture his first two fingers, felt the deep suck and thought back to the way Zach had worked his cock with that mouth. Chris stifled the groan and pulled his fingers out.

“Zach,” he mouthed silently, letting his still wet fingers slide down the neck, around clavicle and through coarse chest hair, until he came to Zach’s nipples.

He circled once around, then pinched - hard enough for Zach’s mouth to pop open in a loud exhale of lust.

The curl of Chris’ smile was all lech, as he found himself able to forget there was someone behind Zach. He focused all his attention on Zach, his facial expression, the way his body reacted to Chris’ stimuli. He marveled at the way Zach’s stomach seemed to tighten in anticipation as Chris’ hands stroked down the firm muscles, intent to reach the erection hanging high and hard between Zach’s legs.

“Don’t.” The growl of Groff’s voice was a slap on the wrist. And Chris immediately recoiled. “I never said you could touch him.”

Zach let out a garbled sound of protest.

“Listen to you,” Groff stilled behind Zach. “Practically gagging, begging for Chris. You want him that bad?”

“I -”

“Fine then.”

Chris could tell the pull out was too fast by Zach’s wince.

“Groff.” He looked at the man, now repositioning himself next to Chris. “What -”

“Shut up, Pine. And move.” He gripped Chris’ cock once, hard, before shoving him away. “C’mere, baby. Want you to sit on my cock.”

Zach obeyed, straddling the slim hips, and slowly sunk down onto Groff. They both sighed and Chris wondered how this had anything to do with Zach wanting Chris inside him. Especially when both men seemed to have forgotten he was there.

“Chris,” Zach murmured.

“Think he needs more, Pine,” Groff all but panted.

“What?”

“Wanna feel you stretch him even more.”

Chris’ mind immediately leapt to...but no, there was no way they could be asking for...

“Please, Chris.” Zach whined as he pushed down at the same time Groff thrust up.

His mind stuttering, Chris moved behind Zach, the only thing it was capable of, conceding to Zach’s plea.

He started with one finger, despite wanting nothing more than to take his cock and sink in hard and fast. There was no way he could do that, hurt Zach so much. He squeezed inside along Groff, lube helping ease the way. But it was still so tight. Fuck, so _tight_! And he wondered how it was possible to fit both inside.

“Keep going, Pine. You should see how much Zach’s enjoying this.”

Chris wished he could see Zach, the flutter of heavy lids as he added a second finger. He missed the sight of pink, parted lips as Zach gasped. But he was able to see the way Zach’s shoulders went rigid as Chris managed a third finger inside.

He reached up with his free hand and rubbed at Zach. Leaning in close, Chris whispered a soothing noise in Zach’s ear. “If you don’t want this, Zach, it’s okay. Just say the word.”

“No!” Zach all but screamed. “Want this, want you, so bad.”

Chris spared a second to look at Groff, whose eyes shuttered out all emotion, before removing his fingers and grappling for the condom Groff had tossed on the bed earlier.

He rolled it down his shaft in record time and spared several long, agonizing seconds to coat himself in lube.

It was with a shaky hand that Chris managed to line himself up, knees brushing Groff’s now still legs as he sidled closer. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

And Zach did sound sure, ready and waiting. So Chris pushed in, slowly so slowly, until the head of his cock disappeared inside Zach’s body. If he thought it had been tight with just his fingers, it was nothing to the tightness that currently gripped his cock. He could feel each twitch and spasm of Zach’s muscles as his body accommodated two cocks. It was almost painful how Zach clenched around him. But it was good, overwhelmingly so, and Chris grit his teeth at the white hot pleasure pulsing through him, ready to spill out.

He was once again reminded of the inability to see the way Zach’s handsome face had morphed once Chris had firmly seated himself inside. It was a cruel and unusual punishment to get to feel but not witness the change in Zach. Because while his fantasies had been lewd indeed, they always focused in on the way Zach had looked, down, up, or back at Chris as they first joined - it didn’t matter who topped or bottomed - and Zach had always radiated adoration. Happiness. Lust and love at Chris.

Chris was pretty sure this would be the only time he was luck - or unlucky - enough to be with Zach. so intimately. He felt fucking robbed that he’d never know the way Zach looked at him in such a vulnerable state. He wondered if Groff had planned it that way.

“Move, dammit.”

He wasn’t sure who was speaking, so caught up in the pleasure and sorrow combined, that he unthinkingly complied, thrusting slowly.

“Oh God,” Chris groaned. He’d never, ever felt like this before. Like he was being burned from the outside in.

He was drowning with every slick slide, feeling Groff rub against him as Zach’s body fought to keep both men inside him.

And Zach took it beautifully.

The muscles in his back strained and relaxed with every movement, sweat beading and rolling down pale skin. His legs were splayed open, giving as much of himself as he could, easing the way for both of the other men as they alternated pushing inside. The thick cords in his neck stood out in sharp relief whenever he threw his head back to scream - in pain or in pleasure, it didn’t matter. Zach clearly wanted this.

Zach held himself up, barely if his quivering arms were any indication, and Chris found with every thrust, he wanted to see those arms give out. Only, then Zach would be pressed up against Groff and Chris couldn’t stand to see them share even more and feel like an outsider given the rare opportunity to participate - even if that was what he was.

“Fu - fuck. Fuck.” Zach cursed as Chris pushed in hard. his mind had lost control and only knew on thing - pleasure so intense it was pain. And he wanted to give that to Zach.

Chris tried to haul Zach back against him as much as possible. He wanted to grab hold of a cock he’d only dreamt of, one being denied him even as he got to fuck inside the tight body. Groff be damned, Chris thought and worked his hand between two slick bodies.

Zach was hard, rigid and smooth beneath his eager fingers. He could see it in his mind, flushed red with blood and leaking at the tip, curving up towards a belly made even more erotic for the dark trail of hair there. Chris could tell by the way Zach’s cock jumped in his grasp that the man was on edge.

Chris leaned in closer, let his tongue dart out to lick a trail up Zach’s spine, taste the salt of his skin. When he had made his way up to Zach’s neck, Chris stilled long enough to breathe him in. He reeked of sex, in the best way, sweat and lust leaking of his pores.

“So good,” Chris whispered - not quite in Zach’s ear but more his neck - hotly. “So good like this, Zach.”

He sped up the brutal pounding, the stroke of his hand, and felt Zach jerk against his palm. Chris could feel the wetness of Zach’s come coat his hand just as a tightness Chris had never imagined clamped down around him.

“Jesus...fuck!” It hurt. So good. Almost unbearable as his mind shattered, flew apart as his thoughts fled his subconscious. He could only focus on the way Zach’s ass clenched and ripped Chris’ orgasm from him.

Pleasure. Pain. Euphoria. Depression. Sensations warred within Chris as he pulled out, threw the used condom away and collapsed. He was dimly aware, and glad, that both men were in similar states, before passing out.

\--

When he came to, Chris was surprised to find himself in the middle of the large guest bed. Groff was to his right, curled on his side facing away from Chris. His thick snores were so loud, Chris wondered how he’d slept at all. But at least that meant Groff was out for the count - too much alcohol, weed and sex making it too hard to resist the pull of sleep.

Chris wondered what had managed to pull him out of sleep, having indulged almost as much as Groff had. He turned to his other side, pleased to see Zach’s peaceful, unlined face.

Temptation flared in Chris, the desire to reach out and touch so overpowering. He let his hand slowly move towards the beautifully sculpted eyebrows, tracing a thumb along the hairs. Zach let out a quiet mm and Chris felt his heart warm. So he kept at it.

But soon he got greedy. And Chris’ hand began to roam. Pausing to feel, commit to memory, see with his hands like a blind man.

Chris heart was heavy in his chest, beating too hard for the small confined space and painful against his ribs. He knew tonight had been a one time occurrence. That he’d never get to experience it again. To sample, yet not to have the experience of Zach over and over was the worst kind of torture. And now that they’d be working together again soon, Chris was afraid seeing Zach day in and day out, not being able to touch and have could rip him apart at the seams.

“Zach,” Chris scooted closer, not fully conscious of the fact he’d spoken aloud.

His lips were right there. A breath away from touching and tasting. It took everything in his power to stop from closing the space, claiming those lips in a bittersweet kiss, a mockery of what could be.

“Chris.”

He shied back at the sudden exhalation. Zach was awake. How long? Had he felt Chris’ hands on him? Why hadnt he stopped it? Had he enjoyed it?

In the end it didn’t matter, as Zach chose to take that leap, erase the distance and kiss Chris with the type of slow burning desire that made your stomach flip flop and toes curl.

Chris gasped, then moaned quietly as Zach’s tongue slowly thrust into his mouth. he licked at teeth, in every crevice, along the roof of Chris’ mouth and tongue. It was good. So, so good. To good. Everything about Zach was too good.

Unthinkingly, he rolled over, pushing Zach on his back and stretching his body on top.

“Want you.” He was being too open, too honest. But he always was with Zach. Couldn’t help but trust the deep, soulful eyes and want to dive in.

“You have me.”

It sounded more like a declaration than it was. Chris’ ear hearing hidden meaning in those three words.

They kissed softly at first, Chris was mindful of the fact that Zach’s boyfriend was a few measly feet away. And also mindful of not giving a fuck. Because that weak, selfish part of Chris, the part that wanted Zach, the very core of Chris’ existence, knew only that he was finally getting time with Zach. Alone. Time to explore, take and give, savor, remember. Without the ghost of another man haunting it.

Though Groff was still a shadow cast alongside Chris’ doubts.

Maybe Zach was still messed up. That could explain the eager grind of cock on cock. And if asked later, Chris would claim inebriation as well for his greedy hands and mouth trying to mark and taste every part of Zach.

But something told Chris there weren’t enough whispers of alcohol clouding up the perfectly crystal clear eyes as they shown up at Chris, filtered moonlight illuminating want. And the way Zach opened his legs, let Chris fit close into that warm V? It seemed too sure and premeditated. not the sloppy, unplanned actions of someone not in their right mind.

“Zach.” He had a hard time forming any other words. They were there in his head. But his throat stoppered them up, holding down the possible exposure of things he couldn’t confess.

“Want you inside me, Chris.”

When Chris kissed him this time, it was hard - teeth and lips, tongues battling. He bit into Zach’s lush bottom lip, enjoyed the squirm as Zach tried to quiet the passion he felt. He absorbed the buck of hips, relished the slick glide of glide of their erections.

“Zach.”

He sat back, reached a hand down and smoothed a finger along Zach’s entrance, still slick and loose from earlier. it slid in easily, and Chris welcomed the fact no time would be lost in prepping Zach.

“Please, Chris.” This wasn’t begging, not like the last time Zach had used the word. Because Chris wasn’t holding back tauntingly. This was Zach pleading because he wanted Chris. And Chris was taking too long, caught up in the reality of sharing their bodies once more.

Did he want slow and sensual or fast and punishing this time?

In the end, he knew how he wanted Zach, how he’d always imagined their first time. He slid in slowly, enjoying the warmth that enveloped him inch by inch. And as he did, Chris was able to look down at Zach. Finally. Discovered that Zach gasped softly at penetration. Learned that Zach kept his eyes open, wide with wonderment. And that Zach couldn’t keep still as Chris waited and watched, took everything in.

Chris needed to remember this.

They moved together slowly, quietly, and unhurried. Though there was a sense of rush as if they only had so long to enjoy. Which was true.

Their bodies writhed together, falling into a steady pace that amped up their building desire higher and higher.

Zach’s cock was trapped between them, hot and smooth with each thrust. Chris wanted to touch it again, jerk Zach off while he slowly fucked him. But Chris hands would not break the death grip on Zach’s. He squeezed once, hard, and Zach must’ve understood because he squeezed back, fingers interlocked like the tangle of their limbs.

Zach canted his hips up and swung both legs around Chris’ hips. The new angle let Chris sink in deeper and rub against Zach’s prostate. The older man bit his lip to stifle the yell of pleasure that threatened to escape.

Fuck, Zach was gorgeous like that. Desperate and needy, wanton and come undone. To be able to witness, partake in was too much.

“Chris, I’m gonna -” Zach seized all around Chris, let his eyes snap shut and moaned low and deep. And completely untouched.

The sight of Zach, the sound of him and the knowledge that Chris had been the one to give it all to him proved to be too much.

“I - I - I...” He buried himself as far as he could go, held himself still and came. Hard. His arms gave out and Chris fell against Zach, head burrowing into his neck. He felt near tears, wrecked over this man. This man he wanted with every cell in his body. “I love you.”

He’d never have known he spoke the words aloud if not for Zach’s stiffening form beneath him.

“What did you say?”

Shit. He hadn’t meant to...didn’t think it was a good idea that...not to mention the timing...

But resolve hardened inside him. Chris had seen the way Zach had looked at him. With longing, something more than friendship. He’d wanted Chris for this, didn’t say no to more after the threesome. And Chris felt pretty sure it wasn’t just for his good looks.

“I said I love you.” He held himself up to see Zach’s face. Only to be disappointed at the lack of emotion. “I have for a long time.”

“How long?” The whisper was harsh, practically a yell in the tense silence.

“Almost since the day I met you.” He figured he might as well be as honest as possible as long as he was confessing his feelings.

“I can’t believe you. You...” Zach shoved at Chris until their bodies disengaged and Chris rolled none too gently to the side. “How could you?”

Zach sounded so angry. So hurt. Chris couldn’t understand why. “What do you mean?”

“Why didn’t you tell me before? When I could’ve...” Zach shook his head hard. “Why tell me know?”

“I hadn’t planned on it.” Chris suddenly felt too vulnerable and moved to get up and away from the bed that now made him ashamed for his feelings. “I just couldn’t keep it inside anymore. I love you.” It was easier and easier to say. Even if it was harder and harder to take in Zach’s reactions.

A flash of hurt burst behind Zach’s darkened eyes. “What do you expect me to do now, Chris?”

 _Leave Groff. Be with me. Love_ me. “I dunno. I was hoping...” He couldn’t voice those desires though. Zach was quickly pulling himself away. And not just physically.

“I can’t.” Chris stomach dropped. “I’m with Jon. I...love him.” And Chris’ heart stopped beating. “I’m sorry.”

Chris choked back a sob. Nodded. He left the bedroom, towards the living room and noticed Zach following behind. Found his pants but not his underwear. He decided he could go without.

“It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

_Like it had been to fuck right next to his sleeping body?_

“Yeah, okay.” His shirt went on next and Chris struggled to keep from heaving.

“Maybe if you’d -”

But Chris didn’t want to hear maybes. Just another indication of his stupid choices. Of his goddamn life.

He shook his head and raced to the door. “I can’t -”

“- I’m sorry.”

So was Chris.

\--

He didn’t know how long he’d sat outside, back pressed up uncomfortably against the uneven concrete walls of his balcony, slumped low enough no one would know he was outside. Long enough to see the sun come up. And long enough to smoke through the entire crumpled pack of Camels he kept stored in his desk drawer for whenever he needed a cigarette.

His mouth was raw, dry and tasting so strongly of smoke and ash he doubted he could distinguish any other taste or flavor. Which was kind of the point. He didn’t want to carry any lingering hint of Zach in his mouth. Didn’t want to lick at his lips and get that taste unique to the salt of his skin.

Chris burrowed his nose in the collar of his hoodie, glad for the thick smoke scent that choked back the smell of sex still lingering on his body. Long after he’d showered. He couldn’t shake the detrimental thoughts chasing through his head.

Zach knew, now, exactly how Chris felt. And it did absolutely nothing to resolve Chris’ unrequited feelings. Because Zach didn’t return those feelings, loved someone else.

After the last cigarette had long burned to the filter, Chris surrounded by smears of ash he’d kicked around, he let his head fall in his hands and fell into a fitful sleep, still outside and still hurting.

He woke, head jerking back and smacking against his balcony, to the sound of his phone ringing. With a wary hand, he pulled it close to his blood shot eyes. _Joe_. Chris wondered if the man had impeccable timing or...

“Chris...”

“Hello?”

“...Jesus.” Joe let out a ragged breath. “Are you okay?”

There was a split second where Chris contemplated lying. But he knew, just by hearing his own voice, that it would be in vain. If Chris could hear the defeat in his voice, Joe could too. “No.”

“Fuck, Zach called and told me he was worried something was wrong.” Chris didn’t quite stop the snort of disbelief as Joe continued. “What happened?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” He patted the ground around him, searching for a possible lost cigarette around the ruins that so seemed to be a metaphorical representation of his life. Of course, there wasn’t one left, he’d smoked it already because he was stupid and couldn’t stop and now he didn’t have one now that he wanted one. It all hit too closely to home.

But as Joe tried to subtly pry into the events that had left Chris a broken mess, he found he really did want to talk about it. So he did. Only leaving out some of the more...sordid details.

“I finally told him.”

Joe would know what that meant.

“And?” Joe sounded scared. Like he didn’t want to know what happened. Like he could already guess.

“He told me he couldn’t. That he’s with Groff. That he fucking loves Groff. And _fuck_!” Chris punctuated the curse with his fist punching the wall.  Physical pain was always better than emotional pain.  “I’m such an idiot. Should never have told him.”

“Don’t say that. It’s good you told him. You should’ve told him earlier but...It’s right that he knows.”

“Doesn’t make a difference, Joe.”

“I think it does.”

They fell silent, both thinking how wrong the other was.

Chris eyes burned at the knowledge that he’d managed to ruin even more of his life. That it had been entirely his fault too. Because he couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut when he knew what was good for him. Even though now he still felt that, despite all that went wrong, Zach was good for him. Or could be, if only Zach would let it happen.

“What will you do now?”

Chris knew that Joe didn’t and wouldn’t choose sides. They might be close friends and would always be there for each other, but Joe was Zach’s brother and kind of had to support him. He just wanted to be there as a sympathetic shoulder to lean on.

“I don’t know, man. I need to, like, take a break or something. Kind of leave this all behind for awhile. Ya know?”

“And what about Zach?”

“What about him?”

He heard Joe sigh into the phone. “Maybe...don’t give up on him. Not yet.”

“Joe.” Chris shut his eyes and felt the sensation of tears gather in his lashes. He blinked them away.

“I just think...it could be worth it. You might wait.”

His heart throbbed painfully, knowing he’d always love that man, Zachary Quinto. That it didn’t want to ever get rid of the place he’d carved out in Chris’ heart. It would be easier said than done to forget him. But his brain warred against emotion. Knowing he couldn’t last like this forever. Couldn’t stand to see Zach happy with someone else for much longer before losing it. He’d have to let go sometime.

Joe’s words were making it that much harder. Giving him hope where none was deserved.

“I don’t know, Joe. Maybe. I just...maybe.”

And Chris’ bleeding heart won the battle.

He’d carry that torch he had burning for Zach. Just a little bit longer. Wait and see if a day came when Zach realized he belonged with Chris. But he couldn’t do it forever. And eventually, probably sooner rather than later, Chris would have to let go. Or be burned too badly to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> i just wanted to share, briefly, that while i am a die hard pinto shipper, i do not hate groffles.  and any negative connotations are based solely on chris' skewed perceptions.


End file.
